ime in the poop factor I t feeels like while I'm there I often have many ideas and creative impulses but no outlet while i'm working. It's incredibly frustrating . I also feel incredibly isolated dudring that time because I don't talk very much and I am kin of an outcast. I don't normally mind being this way but I work 12 hours a day over the course of 3 days. I work in a lab where there are no windows to see the ooutsidea and time kinda loses its meaning in there. Most of the time I just wish I waasn't there. I feel frustrated nwo writing this as I feel like I normally have had things I wanted to write about which are more interesting while I'm in there but now that I'm out all i can think about is when I'm working and how insane some of the things I think about are. I know the other day Iwwas thinking about how 2d dimensional beings can twist and turn in 3 dimensional space. It seems to me that us as 3 dimensional beings could be twisting and turning in 4th simensional space without realizing. It gave me this idea of a time bug one that rolls around a ball of time and slightly adjust the course of our lives of which we will never notice. Not that it does it maliciously or intentionally it is just doing bug things but we get caught up in its instinct. I can't imagine how they would look and its very unlikely that this is true. but just as we often influence the lives of bugs and smaller beings we hardly notice without intention I like the idea that we might be apart of the natural life cycle of something much greatter than us that has no idea hwo it even affects our lives and we have no idea of it as well. I hate the sound of the fucking air dryers in the bathroom and I also hate airdryers becuase theyre fucking disgustiing I can hardly stand it . it makes me want to scream I often feel this way just in my life like I need to scream. Iw ould do it all the time if it were more acceptable though I mayy not need to do it as muchor feel the impulse as much If I were allowed to scream more yknow. I I often feel like I am boxed int othings I wish I wasn't cramped into a small little box i cant stretch my legs or even yawn it would move me around too much> the box can be comfy sometimes though. ifeel pretty unsatisfied with myself because of this. I wish I could break free from the box but I don't know anything else. all I know is the comfort of the box nad because tis so hard to break out I just find more comforts insidde of it. maybet hats okay too I don't think there is anything wrong with finding beauty in your own circumstance and I think its maybe al ittle necesssary. i wish I could tell people these things sometimes but iss never ones own place to tell someone how to find meaning and substance in their own life. yo u can tell people all you want and offer adviceeven if they want it but its something that can only be discovered on ones own. I think a good meaning in life is just to jump up and down all day it can be reallyfun and joyous to just jump up and down. I was throwing an apple(of which I am allergic to) up and down while lying on my bed I was taking a lot of joy in the fact that I can easily calculate its paht in space and time without thinking to much about being able to know exactly where to position my hand asi t comes down and then feel it stop suddenly in my palm. I did this over and over again on ymy partners bed while laughing to myself. It stressed them out though they were stressed wne I droppedt he applle and it got bruised. i took a little joy in the stress this made not because I hate my partner or because they annoy me or anything but I feel a little joy in pushing peoples buttons jsut bit I think there is something al ittle wrong with me in that way.i don't like causeing people pain or harm but to jsut do something a little ahrmless and push their buttons it feels ike i get to udnerstand them and know them deeper.I keep peelonig my lips and eating theskin I think taht it is really bad for me but I can't help it when I'm nervous the skin is just so peelable I kinda want to keep all the skin I peel off and keep it in a jaar to just stare at and see what happens this woudl probably be very disgusting and I would never do it because that just seems wrong not in the terms of the rules of society that have been created by people who care nothing about me but to myself it feels wrong to do something like that. I could cry at ttsome thing stupid like this I often wish Iw ould just cry more beucase it wfeels raelly good and the dog couldlick at my tears and havea nicce treat for the day I think dogs kinda love us in a weird way. and wee have sort fo doomed dogs to share the fate that all humans share. Maybe it feels good to share the same doom and tahat why we cherish our dogs. They share the same fate and doom that humans will rought upon themsselves but dogs are happy to be with us and share in it. We are kinda horriblein this way. I think though because things are so horrible that it really makes life all the more beautiful to revel in and share. I coild jump up and down all day liek it was my job I dont do that though. I wish i did it more because tis really fun but it often feels like i got chains howlding me down to the ground like I can't do those things that I ruly want to do. I'm really happy to be doing this now becasue its something I have been wanting to do even though I'm scared I'll look backa t some of my writing and thingk that I'm actaually an insane person. i'm often scared of thinking that I'm losing my mind but my antipsychoticmedication works pretty well hehe. fokay back to that though t iwas having I may nede to look at what im writing for a second to remember what it was oh I was sahign that I was happy to be doing this because I think about it alot I think it will be fun to go back through and see what things I like about my own writing and thoughts. thoug hright now If eel uncertain about doing it becasue I took an adderall maybe 30 mins before I started writing and I kinda wanted my torrent of thoughts to race onto a page instead of a more steady clear stream that adderall gives me in my thoughts ofh well thats all i think for now im sure my timer is going off but because my latptop is muted I can't her it thank you